Acts of Parliament are for pussies.

Bar an Act of God - Acts of Parliament are for pussies - certain facts shall remain ineluctable, immutable, known simply because the data supports them. There's no faith needed. The proof is there for all to see. For instance, Kikamba and Dholuo fly right by me. As does Gikuyu, Kichonyi, Kimeru, Kitaita and Kinandi. Thus when I pull up my pants in the morning the last thing I am thanking the gods for is that Charity Ngilu is a Cabinet Secretary in charge of a docket where it - literally - rains!

Take the case of those lost souls in Uasin Gishu who are still pining after the Inspector-General's office after "their" man, David Kimaiyo - whom I didn't know came from Elgeyo-Marakwet - resigned in disgrace after acquitting himself rather poorly. Or those poor elected representatives from what we like to think of as Ukambani who have vowed - to strike a kithitu, I think - simply because Asman Kamama and his colleagues think that Monica Kathini Juma is a waste of administrative space. Or the vocal Luo Nyanza elected representatives - as opposed to Kisii Nyanza? - who can't live with the fact that UK told them to get stuffed when they came up with the harebrained idea of a multi-million shilling retirement package for the former Prime Minister.

You can pore over the fine points of the katiba, and you can keep turning over and over the loose rocks of the Bill of Rights, but I assure you that you will not find any provision that acts as a panacea for our collective stupidity when it comes to tribal pride, greed and "our dues." Did you seriously think that Big Frank would just slink out of the limelight after what his proto-replacement had done - on the president's bidding no less? Did you really think that Charity Ngilu would appear before court to take plea on her own? If you thought that the campaign to line Agwambo's pocket even further with taxpayers' shillings was over simply because UK told the Luo Nyanza cohort to go f*** themselves, man you have not been paying attention.

In 2013, when we electing a new set of characters to replace the PNU lot, I challenge any one of you to say with a straight face that tribe was not a factor. When they were sworn in, tribe informed key appointments. From Cabinet Secretaries to Principal Secretaries, from nominees to parastatal boards to nominees to the Bench, tribe influenced it all. Then Cabinet Secretaries got in on the act too. Remember the massive uproar when Kiplimo Rugut was redeployed and Nelson Githinji appointed in his place? No? Have you been living under a rock these past few months?

Look...there are forty-two recognised tribes in Kenya, though those in the know - linguists and such - say that the number of "tribes" could be as high as a hundred. I know that among my Wakamba there's an invisible line that separates those from Kaiti from those in Mukaa. It is a line that is sometimes drawn in blood. So it is reasonable to presume that tribal identity, even when one has a fungible conception of tribe like me, is important to a great many Kenyans and only after they have paid their dues to their tribal identity do they even contemplate inconvenient things like constitutions, laws or regulations. So unless you are prepared to tell my - it's not a tribe, yawa; it's a lifestyle! - Wajaluo that Agwambo is getting his fat pension cheque in full and on time, don't expect to move motions in parliament or some such asinine thing. Like I said, Acts of Parliament are for pussies.