I am not The Stath!

What gets my goat these days is the incredible assumption that I, an individual of singular attributes, have a law-enforcement function, that I am a police of one, that I am singularly responsible for national security and public safety. That just riles me up something fierce. The asshole who cooked up that rule should have his balls slathered in honey and dipped in an ant-hill.

This is not Texas, where everyone seems to own a firearm and a predilection to use them all the while going, "USA! USA! USA!" This post-colonial Kenya, a backwater where firearms are status symbols and half the civilians who own them use them to get laid or something equally bizarre. The other half don't even remember where their gun-safes are anymore. How the fuck am I supposed to take down al Shabbies and likeminded wackos when it will take the intervention of Jesus, Thomas Aquinas and God knows who else to get me past the Directorate of Criminal Investigations for that "certificate of good conduct," the Chief Firearms Licensing Officer for a gun permit and Brig Gen Kihalangwa's Department of Immigration to sneak my brand new Ceska past customs?

I am not Jack fuckin' Bauer! And this is not fuckin' 24!

I'm not saying that if I see al Shabbies that I'll keep my mouth shut. They are nasty dudes and I think that the best thing that could happen to them would be for those kick ass snipers from the Recce Company to introduce them to the beautiful science of ballistics, you know? If an al Shabbies' head is introduced to the pointy end of a .50 BMG travelling at 853m/s out of the barrel of a Barrett M82, I won't feel bad. Actually, I'd dance a happy jig and carry on till the wee hours. All I am saying is that unless we get to that point where we can hack minds and someone uploads the necessary skills, nerve and psychopathy necessary to wield said Barrett M82, taking on al Shabbies is not something I will be doing any time soon.

Look, moron, all I want is for your boys to stop acting as if I wanna steal their lunch or something. If I tell you I've seen al Shabbie types near some mall or something, don't fuckin' lock my ass up - go lock their ass up. Which, in essence, means you gotta trust some of us some of the time and stop treating all of us as if we were all out to take Kamwana's lunch-money from him or something. I'm gonna do my duty and tell you when I see bad guys doing bad guy shit. You do your duty and arrest them or shoot them or whatever.

If that asshole thinks that I'm not doing enough, then he'd better come up with a better idea than turning me into an Eastlando version of Jack Bauer, Steven Seagal and The Stath all rolled into one because that shit just ain't never going to happen. All I want is to be left in peace to eat my veggies in peace and to avoid Garissa Lodge and its funny smells in peace. Is that too much to ask, asshole? Is it?