I hope you won't catch feelings...
It's been five years since we got together, you and I, and in that five years, Jesoh! you have made me face some difficult truths. It's our five-year anniversary and all I can think of is leaving you for someone new, because even though I am happy, I have a feeling I could be happier elsewhere. We've invested a lot in this relationship, though, and leaving you now seems like an act of futility because if I do that, chances are I will also leave the other one and the one after that even before the five-year mark.
You have sometimes been an abusive partner, taking advantage of my loyalty for dodgy ends. I forgave you because you were so accommodating of many of my needs, like the fact that I am not a morning person (or a night owl for that matter), allowing me to sleepwalk my way through so many things. You were generous, every now and then, even though you didn't have to be. Remember how on our one-year anniversary you sent me on a six-week holiday Down Under? Or how you thought three months in Accra sounded like a good idea on our three-year anniversary? And how you insisted that I needed to see just how smooth the roads in Arlington, Virginia, truly are last year on our four-year anniversary? I won't forget it.
But by now we know the truth, don't we? I don't love you and you don't love me, but I will always be loyal, even after I move on (because I will move on one day). I'll say good things about you to the right people and I won't get all jealous and shit if you shower gifts and trips on some other guy. I don't know where our relationship is going, but thanks to you, I have grown as a person and I am better at shit than I was when I met you. It's just a bit sad that you haven't changed, though that seems to be the reason so many want to be with you. Whatever. Happy five-year anniversary!