A take on test-tube politicians

Ahmednasir Abdullahi, the acerbic proprietor of the Nairobi Law Monthly needs to revisit his thesis on test tube politicians. A substantial cohort of politicians have become more trouble than they are worth. At a million-shillings-plus to keep them ensconced in the unhallowed precincts of the Eleventh Parliament, I feel strongly that the Grand Mullah will agree with me that they are not worth the national treasure appropriated and expended for their every creature comfort.

It has been almost a month and a stalemate between Kenya's public school teachers and their government has not been resolved. Instead, hard stances have been adopted on all side, with the national executive being ineptly supported by test tube politicians, ignorant of the facts, but very vocal about where their bread is buttered. The Minority Party has not covered itself in glory either; it's test tube politicians have distinguished themselves with their obvious weaknesses and paucity of ideas. The victims of the standoff are the fourteen million children out of school or threatened with being out of school, if the High Court permits the Cabinet Secretary for Education to shut down all private schools.

Back in the day, when we had loyal parrots of the President, Kenyans were equal parts horrified and amused by the verbal contortions these men would put themselves to to prove their loyalty to the President and to the Party. Some words were known to be the preserve of the presidential political choirmasters: "tingisa kitole!" and "wapende wasipende" are only the most obvious. Bootlicking has evolved since those pre-digital days.The preferred platforms in the twenty-first century include social media, "prayer rallies" and TV studios with friendly or tame - pretty much the same - interviewers.

There are two senators, one from the Mt Kenya region and the other from the Rift Valley, who have distinguished themselves in a crowded field. Their loyalties are beyond reproach. They have deployed what I shall assume were first-rate academic qualifications in the service of their political masters. They will brook no contradiction of their preferred coattails. They will take any opportunity to rewrite history - lie, we still call it in these parts - and ensure that if there is political mud to be slung, they will be the first to sling it. They are brilliant heirs to the legacies of  "tingisa kitole!" and "wapende wasipende".

Now that the President is away on the official business of the Republic, these men, and their supporting casts, have taken to the airwaves to keep their troops in line and make sure that the Minority Party is politically wrongfooted at every turn. A senator who attempted to disentangle - he used the word "unbundle," I believe - the intricate details of the public wage bill was swiftly rebuked by being branded a mole for the other side. It does not pay to have an independent, critical and self-critical mind in these politically turbulent and uncertain times. The party, that is, the party leader, has pointed to a destination. It is not for you to decide whether that destination is a safe harbour or a den of hungry lions; yours is to march forward without thought.

We face serious problems and we need serious people to solve them. If you have identified serious politicians among the members of the National Assembly, the Senate, the county assemblies, or the parties' machineries, please let us know. If you have encountered a serious thinker on public affairs who does not have an axe too grind, whose proposals have the whiff of intellect about them, let us meet them. I fear that you will search and come up empty. We have serious problems, but I fear that the fifteen minutes of the test-tubers is set to last till the end of time. These problems are not being solved any time soon.