I'm bored. Aren't you?

I feel bad for the guy that has to sit next to Moses Kuria, the new Member for Gatundu South in the National Assembly. He doesn't seem to be a nice guy; perhaps only his family can actually tell us whether Mr Foreskin is really as odious as he seems. His presence on TV is usually combative, with a which of an inferiority complex that requires him to remind us of his stays in the Middle east as a world-class businessman which usually begs the question: if he was so good at wangling dollars out there, why in all that is financially lucrative would he drag his ass back to Kenya to join a gang that can't make money of their asses were on fire?

I can see the mammies in the National Assembly giving special attention to their hair, makeup, outfit, shoes and handbags the day that Steven Kariuki is sworn in, though I suspect his mother and wife will be on hand with daggers for eyes to keep the mammies in check. The young man has managed to whup the Jubilee man's ass in the Mathare by-election. He takes over in a constituency that was carved out of the larger Starehe that was under his mother's thumb in the last Parliament.

I feel bad for Bernard Kiala, whose ass is being impeached in the Senate. The Machakos Deputy Governor has had a much publicised falling out with Kenya's superstar governor, Alfred "Alfie" Mutua. What must really drive him to apoplectic rage is that while Governor Mutua and he rode the Kalonzo Musyoka train to glory, Mr Mutua has dumped all pretenses at bending his knee to the former vice-president without suffering for it while Kiala and his fellow-loyalists do not seem to be benefiting at all from their ardent loyalty to the CORD co-principal.

Nairobi's Senator must be feeling nice. He is an intelligent player. Two years ago he was forbidden from ever setting foot on US soil. Now he has just spent the last week in the US capital as part of Uhuru Kenyatta's delegation. He seems to be dogging the President's footsteps a lot these days. I wonder if he is intelligent enough to get presidential blessings for the sole purpose of yanking the governor's throne from out under Evans Kidero's ass. That man has done precious little to endear himself to Nairobi resident and he is rubbing on our last nerve by his hot-and-cold pronouncements on alcohol-at-the-Kebeberi-Sevens. If there is a governor who would inspire a roadside IED, it is the good doctor who ran Mumias Sugar before it turned to shit.

I wonder what Manzi Wa Nai, the Nairobi Woman Representative, is up to these days. Has she given up on dress-making? It was, after all, her road to ODM fame back in the day. I wonder if Elizabeth Ongoro still runs that garbage company. It made her so much money she could afford to defy CORD last year during the nominations. It also made her arrogant enough to refuse to kow-tow to the Bishop who wanted to be a Governor or Senator or Woman Representative...I can't remember. And what happened to Dick Wathika? Is he dead? Why isn't Reuben Ndolo taunting him these days?

You get the sense that even with referendum talk, things are a bit dull these days. It's not an election season, never mind all the by-elections we seem to be holding. Uhuru Kenyatta does not seem to be reshuffling his Cabinet any time soon. Even the perennial disappointments in the Cabinet seem to have learnt to keep their feet out of their mouths. Wouldn't you even believe it, Aden Duale has no one to attack other than Odinga and "rebel governors" but even he must be bored shitless with the whole referendum thing.

So, finally, I feel bad for Kipchumba Murkomen and Kithure Kindiki. They are no doubt loyal to their respective party chiefs. But they are in the wrong legislative chamber. The Senate is not suited to their obviously boot-licking personalities. In fact, and I shudder when I write this, it is suited to the likes of Aden Duale and Adan Keynan. If Mr Murkomen and Mr Kindiki could find it in their hearts to simply displace some nonentity in the National Assembly, they will find their bombastic and combative natures well-suited to that particular chamber of vipers.