The Machakos Shuffle.

I do not recommend playing in the sand box with the likes of Moses Kuria, MP, or Sen Mike Sonko. Come to think of it, I would also steer right clear of Francis Atwoli, Secretary-General of the Central Organisation of Trade Unions. I would think twice about sticking out my tongue and going, "Nye nye-nye nye nye!" at the Inspector-General of Police. All these folks play rough. But none takes the biscuit than the Governor of Machakos, former Government Spokesman, Dr Alfred "Alfie" Mutua, PhD. His deputy, Benard Kiala found out the hard way just how rough the Big Man in Machakos could play.

I still have no idea what their beef is about, not the messy details anyway. But I am fairly sure it all comes down to who is still paying obeisance to Brother Steve, the jobless former vice president. Mr Mutua has demonstrated to his party leader that he has a worrying streak of independence that cannot be intimidated into toeing the line; Mr Kiala does not seem to have demonstrated any form of backbone since he hitched his wagon to the Wiper train. There is, of course, the spectre of the Machakos senator, Johnstone Muthama, who's pathological aversion to the governor is as mysterious as it is deeply heartfelt.

Mr Muthama has made it his legislative mission to make Mr Mutua's life as difficult as can legislatively be. If it means sabotaging Mr Mutua's impeachment plans for his deputy, it seems that Mr Muthama is willing to pay the price. Given that very little is known about the inner workings of the Wiper Party (indeed of any party) in Machakos, and who is really loyal to Brother Steve, Mr Muthama or Mr Mutua, we are left to speculate about the real reason Mr Mutua attempted to sack his deputy and why Mr Muthama intervened on Mr Kiala's behalf in the Senate.

What we know is that Kenya's political parties are not really parties and not really political, save when they call themselves "political parties." They do not do the normal things that political parties do: sign up members, collect subscriptions from those members, distil party philosophies that can identify their members, take administrative and political positions on everything the government of the day does, and market themselves as institutions for the capture and retention of political power. What they do is what Soviet-style dictatorships used to do: build cults of personality and slowly disenfranchise the people by enfeebling their minds with twaddle.

No right-minded Kenyan would want to be known to be a member of CORD or Jubilee or their constituents parties. Those who are intelligent and know how they are perceived are only interested in their selfish ends, which usually means the moment they win that tender they have been eying like hyenas salivating at a carcass abandoned by a lioness, they will dump that party so fast, run with the money so far, and generally pretend they have never heard of the words "Baba" or "Kamwana."

It is why when the dust finally settles on the Mutua-Kiala throwdown, we may finally find out if Kenya's superstar governor was all that, or whether he had his hands elbow deep in the cookie jar like his predecessors at the Masaku County Council. We will find out whether his roads were build to last or whether they were built to smooth his ascent to the ultimate procurement office: the Presidency.