Conservative-lite.

The loudest opinions on sex and sexuality seem to belong to men, especially when they claim to protect our morals or our culture or our essential Africanness.Uganda and Nigeria are "conservative" countries going by the commentary by respected pundits, and the enactment of laws to ban homosexuality and mini-skirts. Kenya has its own share of "conservatives" who have announced a plan to roll back the trend by famous Kenyans to come out of closets best set on fire with them in it.

What the hell does being "conservative" mean? Does it mean that Jesus is the driver of the bus you happen to be traveling in as you run over the gays, lesbian, bisexuals, transexuals, mini-skirt-clad cleavage-bearing temptresses out to destroy marriages and the occasional teen looking to terminate an unplanned pregnancy without her father's consent? Does it mean that you understand the "proper roles" for men and women, that they complement each other, that the woman is the helpmeet of the man? Does it mean that the Law of God supersedes the man-made Constitution that has taken us two decades to promulgate?

Listening to the "conservative" voices in Kenya, in Uganda and in Nigeria, it is difficult to separate them from the crazy ones that have pervaded the extreme fringes of the right-wing of the United States political scene. The African conservatives seem to draw inspiration from utter nutters who fill the US morning air with diatribes that are quite unhinged. It is a wonder that the US right's obsession with keeping and bearing arms doesn't seem to have made the crossing across the Atlantic yet, unless it is also on the cards.

The conservative ideal is one that calls for limited government, strong families, low taxes and trade-oriented policies. Indeed, it is the First Amendment of the United States Constitution that is or should be the foundation of the conservative movement. It protects the state from the passionate embrace of any one religion; it encourages the people to engage in a robust debate about things that matter; and thanks to the United States' Supreme Court, it protects a person's privacy against the unwarranted intrusion of the state.

That is not what the Kenyan conservative-lite movement seems to be advocating. First it seems to demand a very strong place for Christianity in the affairs of the state. Every time they claim that Kenya is a Christian nation and its laws should inculcate Christian values, they betray their complete lack of a sense of history, or foresight. Second, they would wish the state to have a hand in the private affairs of man; hence their obsession with identifying and punishing homosexuals for being homosexuals, for engaging in homosexual conduct, for promoting homosexuality. Third, they see no irony in demanding that the public wage bill be cut to a manageable number and simultaneously demanding state intervention in every single matter, especially job-creation and infrastructure development. Finally, it never crosses their minds that their obsession with gays and lesbians in a nation that does not openly speak about sex and sexuality is unusual, kooky.

Kenya faces challenges that have bedeviled it since Independence, and before. Governors Alfred Mutua and Isaac Ruto may seem a bit unhinged when it comes to public spending, but we should not underestimate the effect all the ambulances they have acquired will have on the health of the peoples of Machakos and Bomet. This is especially so when the Government of Kenya has had forty-five years to fuck things up to such an extent that patients to government-run hospitals would routinely be expected to pay in cash for syringes and gloves, and send out for blood (where transfusion was required) and share beds (if hospitalisation was ordered). The National Government will spend billions of shillings on laptops for children but still cannot find money to build water-proof classrooms for the hundreds of thousands of pupils who undergo their learning under trees, if they are lucky, or the harsh noon-time sun (usually before they have to skip school in order to herd their fathers' cattle).

The conservative movement in Kenya is a joke, and a cruel one at that. It will not see the pain and suffering of the person described in the newspapers as the ordinary Kenyan. It will instead obsess over the problems of Kenya's burgeoning middle-class that seems to offer a home for drug addicts and sexual perverts. While millions of Kenyans starve to death, Kenya's conservatives will ensure that gays and lesbians do not spread their disease to other upright Kenyans. It is not immoral to watch a child starve to death; it is immoral to watch a man kiss another man on the lips. That, at least, seems to be the message of the Kenyan conservative. They have learnt their lessons well from their United States fathers.