Of battered husbands and changes in the family structure

We snigger and make salacious comments every time we read about the men that have been attacked by their spouses or live-in girlfriends. We pity the men for being victims of domestic violence and shun them, even if it means that they continue to suffer in silence. We refuse to admit that the traditional family structure, where the man is the breadwinner and the wife is the home-maker, no longer holds true for all families. Traditionally, the man worked and provided or his family, and exercised dominion over his home, making key decisions for the family without reference to anyone else, not even his wife. He could 'chastise' his wife for challenging his authority without being accused of being a monster. Indeed, some men used the more conservative sections of the Epistles of St Paul to justify such 'chastisement'. But in the modern world, where men and women frequently work outside the family home, and women are now in charge of a large part of their lives, the traditional ideas that underpinned marriage must be re-examined.

The most vocal victims of domestic violence seem to emanate from Central Kenya and the image of the Nyeri wife wielding a rolling pin or a knife against her husband has gained popular notoriety. Examining the plight of the husband in Central Kenya one is struck by the profound changes that have taken place in family life. Charles Onyango-Obbo, writing some time back in the Daily Nation, argued that the emancipation of the women in traditional African society has contributed to the emasculation of the man, especially when men are increasingly suffering the embarassment of being unable to provide for their families due to straitened economic times. Women now, especially in the rural areas, are the primary providers for their families. They face great frustration in their home lives when their husbands are incapable of performing their duties as husbands, fathers or members of the community. They are frequently to be found indulging in excessive consumption of alcohol, impairing their judgment and rendering them incapable of managing the affairs of the home, leaving their wives to take charge. In such circumstances, regardless of what the bible says, women are no longer the helpers of their husbands but their equals and the trend in recent months of men getting walloped by their wives is an indication that they are demanding to be treated as equals.

Society still expects young men to take wives at a certain age, ideally between the ages of 27 and 35. Many of the young men in this age-group, in contrast to their parents and grandparents, are just starting out in their careers and do not own the houses they live in or the farms they work. Many have been persuaded that a hedonistic lifestyle is their birthright, hence the bacchanalian approach to 'having fun'. By the time they are getting married, many young men are used to being treated as gods, to be obeyed without showing any inclination to providing to the welfare of their families or their communities: they only live for themselves. They pretend that even after their marriages, they shall continue to live life as they did before, spending hours away from their wives and young children in bars watching foreign football matches or some other sporting event. When it comes to making decisions about their families, they leave it all to their young wives, who frequently have careers of their own. In a society where we no longer teach young persons how to resolve conflicts or how to make proper decisions, why should we be surprised that young wives are taking on the role of husbands and chastising their spouses for failing on their marital duties? The legions of young wives who throng the evangelical churches do not receive the guidance that will help them in their marital lives; churches have frequently become vehicles for get-rich-quick schemes that do nothing for their spiritual well-being.

It is time we addressed these issues openly and honestly. We must begin the arduous process of not only accepting the image of the working wife, but that she is no longer the subservient member of the family but an equal partner with an equal stake in the fate of the home. And we must equip our youth with better communication and decision-making skills in order to safeguard the family as the primary institution of the community. The image of the battered husband is the clarion-call for a new form of family and we must heed the call or suffer the consequences.