Monday, December 26, 2011

Sam's 2012 Magical Mystery Tour

In Mombasa, a woman finds her man in bed with another woman and promptly sets her house, and their neighbours', on fire (she's in handcuffs, he's nursing severe burns in Coast Provincial Hospital's Burn Unit. Hope he gets so disfigured he won't score again. Ever!) Meanwhile, hundreds of up-country types are getting fleeced by sharp fly-by-night operators who have taken their money for non-existent buses to their homes for Christmas. The butcher's bill on Kenya's shiny new highways of death keeps rising, with the death toll rising every time a non-speed governed Public Service Vehicle crashes into another and snuffs out the lives of its passengers (the Traffic Department has become very adept at collecting statistics. Maybe it can offer its services to the Kenya National Bureau of Statistics.)

Wanjiro Gaitho's report of the Kadogo Economy is accompanied by slum-porn (how come they always seem to find themselves on the same street in Kibera, Kenya's pre-eminent slum of choice. The fall-from-grace of Mathare Valley, Korogocho and Huruma is stark.)

Johnston Muthama has become the cheerleader of the new anti-Raila outfit being fronted by Uhuru Kenyatta (who conducted a coup against the Gideon Moi-Nick Salat axis-of-incompetence in KANU, even managing to give the grand old party a brand new moniker for Christmas, though in a colossal lack of imagination retained the same acronym ), George Saitoti (who's delusional enough to think that the billions he has amassed over the years are enough to garner him the PNU Alliance nod for the presidency), Kalonzo Musyoka (who's consolidated his hold on ODM-K, renaming it after his lacklustre campaign slogan from 2007, Wiper Democratic Movement. Does anyone remember that Samuel Poghishio is the chairman of the party?) and their fellow-travellers. William Ruto still has one foot in the ODM house and another (tentatively) in the UDM house, though he's not sure he is going to get any love from the likes of KADDU's Cyrus Jirongo or the acerbic-tongued Chirau Ali Mwakwere (who also dreams that he can be president. What has he been smoking?)

Some wingnut decided to call in a bomb threat at the Holy Family Basilica, forcing John Cardinal Njue to take a rather non-celebratory tone (this being the birth of the The One Who Came to Save Mankind) during his sermon on Christmas Day (doesn't the man smile? Ever?).

Kenya's battered economy prevented thousands of temporary Nairobians from making their way up-country for the holidays (this year the number of sofa-sets being hoisted atop buses at Nairobi's Machakos Airport were a pale shadow of previous years!) Atwoli's damp squib of a strike and the traditionally extortionate fares did not help matters much either (Uhuru Park saw some of its largest non-political, non-crusade crowds for a decade). A person with a death wish decided to set Gideon "Mike Sonko" Mbuvi's constituency office aflame, taking with it a Buru Buru landmark, The Mausoleum Club (is he still suffering from the after-effects of being jacked by Nairobi's Finest while raising hell in Ofafa Maringo?) Raila Odinga is sitting pretty; everyone seems to think that he is the man to beat in next year's presidential election, and his party the one to destroy (but, as Mutahi Ngunyi put it, the man has a habit of shooting himself in the foot, so 2012 could still hold surprises for those keen on the "issues".)

The hookers of Koinange Street did not fare well this Christmas; the venerable Citizen TV aired footage of desperate "ladies" advertising their charms for all their worth (which isn't much") - rather unsuccessfully. Perhaps the presence of holier-than-thou TV cameras and crews deterred potential Johns from partaking of the services being offered so blatantly (that was NOT cool).

The Attorney-General, quite out of character, decided to take a simi to Charles Nyachae's accusations (he's still trying to figure out how to get Githu's goat), using some very un-parliamentary language to boot. About bloody time too! The Amos Wako habit of smiling through a hailstorm of shit is no longer the in thing. Chief Justice Willy Mutunga's various public spats with, first Moses Wetangula, and next, Chris Obure, have set the tone - this is no longer business-as-usual. Dignity be damned! By the way, does he have the one stud, or a collection in various colours, settings, and stones? And does he buy them in singles or pairs? If he buys in pairs, where do the others end up? Not in the ear of a "clande" I hope!

Joshua arap Sang finally graduated from university with the power to read and to do all that appertains.. Now he has "papers" to flaunt at the ICC Judges if they ever decide to try him for crimes against humanity! Did the Sword of Damocles that is the ruling of Eketarina's Pre-trial Chamber II have an adverse impact on his "chopping" for the exams or did lots of "cold power" get him through it all?

Where is Julie Gichuru? Two Sundays in a row with that Mohammed fellow are not doing my Sunday pleasures any good. Julie is to Sunday prime time news what Blue Band is to a slice of two-days' old Akyda! You cannot have the one without the other. Just not done. They had better get her back in front of the cameras or we will desert Citizen's Sunday Live in droves! And after her blood-donation escapade, where did Martha Karua disappear to? Couldn't she find a church to crash, cameras in tow, for Christmas like Kalonzo and Co. did? What kind of presidential candidate is it that refuses to hog the Christmas limelight like a true politician? I hope she hasn't decided to treat her hard-suffering family to a holiday in Switzerland or the slopes of the Himalayas. That would send the worst possible message in this time of economic hardship for her millions of loyal supporters and fans. Who doesn't miss the Professor of Politics Christmas images, piously holding the hymn-book and leading the an AIC Church somewhere is songs of worship? The man understood retail politics like our pre-eminent Asian industrialists understand counting pennies to make billions. Someone should start a campaign to have the Old Man canonised before he quits this Earth.

Every pundit worth his over-inflated ego is promising that 2012 will The Year! Politics will heat up. The economy will heat up. KCPE will heat up. Even the venerable KSCE (separates the children from the adults, doesn't it?) will heat up. Amos Kimunya will finally tame the matatu industry. Njuguna Ndung'u (and Joseph Kinyua) will finally admit that Kenya isn't the African Development Bank or the IMF and quit in disgust. Patrick Nyoike will finally discover that energy policy is the cornerstone of the political economy when Baba Jimmi finally gives him the steel toe. Orengo Jimmy will finally be hauled before one of Willy MUtunga's Judges and asked to explain where all the ''fake'' Syokimau title deeds came from if not from his venerable Ardhi House. Charity Ngilu will finally be able to attend a rally without being exhorted (or extorted - you choose) to be good to Brother Steve; she'll be drawing larger crowds than the Veep and that will be that. 

Major James Oswago (Retired) will finally get shoved out of the IEBC (Abdikadir Mohammed will smile all the way to the ballot box!) He'll open a consultancy and laugh all the way to the bank. Mumo Matemu will just about squeak into office as our brand new anti-corruption czar and promptly initiate politically untenable investigations with the support of Mwai Kibaki (who'll be happy to give it as a final F.U. to the hyenas that took his name for granted.) Hell yeah, 2012 will be The Year!

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